The headline alone should throw you -- the Interior Department and "meticulously researched" report don't ever go hand in hand. But just in case you're wondering, yes this hilarious story is from The Onion (with some emphasis added):

According to Beltway sources, confused White House staffers arrived at their desks Wednesday to find a meticulously researched, entirely unrequested report from the Interior Department assessing dry humping as a suitable sex alternative for teenagers.

The uncomfortably in-depth 900-page document, which outlines the benefits of clothed genital stimulation versus fully penetrative sex, reportedly baffled administration officials, who confirmed they generally associate the department with its role in managing natural resources and administering programs for Native Americans.

Let's hope Larry Echo Hawk and the Bureau of Indian Affairs didn't have anything to do with this report!

Edith Blackwell, everyone's favorite Indian law attorney, has left the building. We know -- you're all very, very sad.

To get you over this earth shattering news, In The Hoop is running her goodbye letter in full. She had a going away party at 1849 C Street NW on Friday but kept the invite list rather short so bask her in self-congratulatory glow below:
Want to read more? You're going to have to click . . .

Department of the Interior, Office of the Solicitor, Division of Indian Affairs
Edith Blackwell
Scott Keep
Barbara Coen

Who's Next?

Apparently, there's been some court papers filed in federal court in New York that dig into the dirty laundry inside the Interior Department! Everyone grab some popcorn...
Want to read more? You're going to have to click . . .

Did you know actor/pirate/moustache Johnny Depp is part Cherokee? Well neither did we!

EW doesn't say whether Depp is enrolled anywhere (maybe the UKBs will take him -- definitely not the CNO, they are touchy about that kinda stuff) but they do have an EXCLUSIVE to report:

“I always felt Native Americans were badly portrayed in Hollywood films over the decades,” he says. “It’s a real opportunity for me to give a salute to them. Tonto was a sidekick in all the Lone Ranger series. [This film] is a very different approach to that partnership. And a funny one I think.”

So there you have it. Depp is going to make up for decades of bad movies about Indians by playing an Apache. Tune into Native America Calling at 1pm today to discuss how you feel about it!

Doesn't that adorable severed Indian head on a hockey jersey look familiar?

It looks like Hollywood heavyweights behind The Dilemma didn't read the news about Indian mascots. No worries, though, the movie apparently isn't that great.

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Breaking important news from Showbizgossips.com!

"Johnny Depp,who is known for his versatile movie portrayals such as Edward Scissorhands,Willie Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Jack Sparrow in The Pirates of Caribbean-to name a few, is eager to start preparation for his role as Tonto in a Lone Ranger movie by shacking up with some real American Indians.

“Johnny has identified a tribe and wants to live with them as part of his preparation for the movie,” reveals a source close to the star.

“He wants to depict Tonto as a true Indian and not a cliché from an old Western. He’s ready to work and live authentically too. There will be no luxuries. He’s just waiting for the movie to get the go ahead.”"

The writers at America's most trusted news source must love the Cherokee Nation. From the latest:

Joe Byrd, Principal Chief of the Cherokee Nation, issued a table-wide proclamation Saturday, declaring 32 red a winner. "And 32 red is a winner," the leader of the Oklahoma tribe announced. "A big payoff for the little lady." Byrd became pit boss of the Cherokee Nation's roulette table in a peyote ceremony last week following a six-month stint supervising the tribe's 25 blackjack tables.

Last year, The Onion broke the news of Cameron Diaz being 1/8th Cherokee.

Indians are no strangers to The Simpsons, even landing a key scene in that movie a couple years back.

So far this season, there's been two Indian mentions. From last night's episode, a shoutout to the Pechanga Resort & Casino:

Helen Lovejoy: These blueberry muffins are bigger than the ones we had at Pechanga.
Reverend Timothy Lovejoy: Finally, something you like better than Pechanga.

And two weeks ago, the kids in Mrs. Krabappel's class had an interesting assignment:

Bart: Homework? What homework?
Milhouse: We had to build a Hopi Indian Pueblo.
Martin: Mine features indigenous Hopi songs!

America's favorite sweetheart, former Alaska governor and former Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, is looking for a new job! Here's the word from Glossy News:

The Membership Council of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) announced this morning that they were reviewing an application for membership from Sarah Louise Palin.

But wait, you say. How is that possible? Sure, Sarah is married to Todd Palin, who is Alaska Native, and her children and grandson are tribal members.

Well it turns out that Sarah is Native too!

“Yes, correct, I am not a Negro, but I am a person of color. I am a member of the Ahtena, Copper River, Indian Tribe.”

But leave it up to the Ahtena (Ahtna) Tribe to disagree. Tribal leaders are saying Sarah got it wrong and she wasn't really adopted. So no Obamacare for her!

You all saw Avatar right? The one Doug George-Kanentiio called a "painful experience for Native people" due to its portrayal of a community being overrun by greedy developers?

Well, everyone has theories that the movie is really about the Navajo Nation and uranium, or the war in Iraq, or about some indigenous people in India, but the truth is that Native people are REALLY that magical, according to director James Cameron:

"Yes, Native Americans live in the most dangerous environment throughout the galaxy. Yes, they possess a priceless natural resource that promises to revolutinize the entire military-industrial complex as we know it. And yes, they ride dinosaurs in the same way that regular folks would ride a horse. These are just some of the things that make Native Americans the most culturally important culture of the 2009 Holiday movie season.

How do we know it's true? Just ask someone who fought during the Indian Wars!

"They are almost indestructible," states senator Orrin Hatch, R., Idaho. It makes me wonder how we defeated them so easily in the 1800s."

P.S. This story isn't true. Please do not email Lance Morgan.

From America's favorite news source, The Onion:

"The proud and ancient Cherokee Nation was thrust into the spotlight during a taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show this week, taking center stage as one-eighth of actress Cameron Diaz's ancestry. "How exotic," Ms. Winfrey commented on the What Happens In Vegas costar's heritage, briefly calling attention to the Cherokee people and their millennia of vibrant culture and tradition. "Tell us what it's like working with Mike Myers." The instance marked the highest-profile mention of the tribe since 1838, when thousands of Cherokee men, women, and children were forcibly rounded up and marched 1,000 miles to what is now known as Oklahoma."

Behind the Scenes: Collecting Headlines Funnier Than This (The New York Times 11/3)

Everyone's been making fun of the GOP.Com web site and so In The Hoop thought we would too but inclusion of the Indian Citizenship Act of 1924 in the "Accomplishment" list of the Republican Party seems more sad than humorous. So there you go.